For Jakey

I think about chocolate chip pancakes and French toast, about Borat imitations, about guitars, about the Sweetheart Tree, about song recordings at Everard’s studio, about my 19th birthday. I think about band practice and vada paos, about struggling to hit that note, about sneakily smoking en route, about skits at camp, about sign language, about songs I was introduced to, about the many breakfasts. I think about all the movies that were downloaded on demand, about Coffee Jar, about the bike ride to the mandir one morning, about all the teasing, about all the love. I think about core group fights, about silly good morning messages, about driving to Nea's house to collect a red Scooty Pep, about all the little moments and memories that I can't recall now but will over time.

And I smile. Just like I always will. I love you, Jakey. And I will remember you.

Because we're human.

Life is complicated. A mere “I love you” is never enough, there is no sheer simplicity. There’s people and rules, there’s dos and don’ts. And when it is simple, we try and make it as complicated as we possibly can. Because at some level, we find it difficult to cope with the simple life. We need some sort of adversity to focus on, some sort of problem that we can work towards solving. And if there is no adversity and no problem to work towards, we create them for ourselves. Because we’re trained and conditioned to believe that a life without complications is an illusion. And that if it is devoid of complications, it is not the life we’re meant to have. Because nothing comes that easy. At least that’s what they say.

So we focus on the why. And the how. And the what next.

Because we can’t just accept the lack of problems, and we can’t just focus on the now. We say we don’t care, but we do. And we say they don’t exist, but they do. And even when they don’t, we make sure they do. We thrive and exist on the misery and mindfuckingness that accompanies repeated thinking. I know, I know. Thinking and analyzing are natural human tendencies. And if we don’t think and analyze over and over, we’re not human.

I know that. I get that. But sometimes, I just wish I was a dog.