Knowing and letting go.

There comes a time at least once in your life, when you’re hurt and angered beyond belief. You’re hurt and angered so much that you stop caring. You just stop. You’d think you would cry or shout and throw tantrums or tremble uncontrollably with rage or stoop to bitching and making the life of the person who caused the anger and hurt hell, but you don’t. You don’t even WANT to. You don't want to have anything to do with the person. You just reach a saturation point, at which without even pre-deciding you believe you have it in you to not give a damn. You’ve never even mentioned it on your blog, because it doesn’t deserve that kind of importance. Not to mention, the blog came into its happy existence a little later. Not that much later, only a few weeks. But even those few weeks were enough to banish the angry thoughts, with a little help from a scrawny yay presence.

Months later, you’re with someone else. Someone who makes you happy, but you can’t help thinking about the previous anger and hurt. You still feel the same about it. You don’t care, no matter how much you try to find it in you to. No matter how important the person once was in your life, and you try to reason that maybe you should forgive and forget for those old times’ sake. But you can’t, because you don’t want to. It’s not as if you’re still angry, it’s not as if you still have feelings of like, love, dislike or hate. You just don’t care. You don’t want to hear what anyone has to say about anything, you don’t feel anything. It’s a kind of paralysis that affects only that part of your brain and heart that reasons and thinks about that particular situation. But you wonder with a tiny little unaffected part of the affected part, what it would be like to meet or speak with the person after so many months. And that can only be answered when you meet or speak with the person, so it’s a question that gnaws at you incessantly. Not painfully, because you are still paralyzed after all, just incessantly.

And one day, when your life has progressed a sufficient amount and you're no longer with a significant someone else even, you meet the person, and your question is answered – YOU STILL DON’T CARE. You don’t care about what happened, you don’t care to know, you don’t even care to forgive. Strangely, out of all the emotions you thought you’d feel when you do finally meet the person, you feel none. Instead, relief is what washes over your being. Relief – that you still have it in you to not give a damn. Relief - that you still don't care. Relief - that you never have to feel and deal with that anger again. Relief – that you are still in control, without even trying. And that is when you know. THAT is when you know that you are free. Until then, you only THINK that you are and HOPE that you are. But at that moment, you KNOW. And then, you let go. Of everything.