Free Spirit

A free spirit, without worries. A free spirit, with big dreams. One that yearns to live life her way, without pondering over the mundane issues life presents to her. Every experience unique, every day different. Not afraid, to put herself out there and explore each avenue. Each opportunity to be grasped, each knock on her door to be answered. Whether it be good or awful, whether it give her a high or send her down in the dumps, whether she spread her wings and fly or fall into the ravine deep below – because really, what is life if not a bit of everything? THAT is how she will grow, not by people telling her what to, or what not to, do. She is her own being, she has her own interests. The problem is, you’ve never let her find out fully what they are. She now feels smothered, suffocated. People ask her about herself, and she draws a blank. This isn’t supposed to happen to her. After all, she is a free spirit, without worries. She is a free spirit, with big dreams. One that yearns to live life her way, without pondering over the mundane issues life presents to her.

Someone asks her, “What is it that you dream about?” She has forgotten what it is like to dream. Someone asks her, “Who is it that you want to be?” She has no reply, because once upon a time, when she did know, you told her she couldn’t be. Someone asks her, “Where is it that you want to go?” Again, she has no answer. “To go?” she repeats the question thrown at her. Her dreams, her aspirations, her desires lie deep within her soul – forgotten. It’s been so long since she expressed herself, because you did not let her. It’s been so long since she sang to the heavens above, because you told her she wasn’t good enough. She lost faith, she became afraid. She hears the question being repeated, “Where is it that you want to go?” She musters up her courage and tries to answer. “To go?” she says again, trying to buy time. “America,” says she, because it seems like a safe answer to give. Everyone wants to go to America, don’t they? There’s no way this Someone would be able to probe further. She is wrong. Someone is always curious. “America? How interesting. What for?”

She wishes, not for the first time, that she knew. She forgets that she knows, that the answer is embedded deep inside her. She forgets what she used to be, before you instilled this uncertainty in her. She cannot remember what it feels like, to know her strengths and potential. She has become accustomed to underplaying her desires, for she knows what happens when she doesn’t. You tell her that she is wrong, that she ought to know better than to waste her time. She wants to tell you that you are wrong, that she knows she has what it takes. And even if she doesn’t, she’s willing to find out for herself.

But again, that fear, that wretched fear, ties her tongue. She wants your approval, but wishes you would just approve of her as she is. She longs for the day, when you will look at her with pride in your eyes. Pride – not for what you made her, but for what she made herself. All she wants to tell you is, “I am a free spirit, without worries. A free spirit, with big dreams. One that yearns to live life my way, without pondering over the mundane issues life presents to me.”

She drags her thoughts back to the present. Someone continues to look at her expectantly, waiting for an answer. Putting on the best smile she can, she says, “Medicine. It’s always been the plan, ever since I can remember”. And it’s true, because she has forgotten what life was like, before the fear of being herself was ingrained.